Do you care how I feel?..

May 4, 2011

Yesterday was a horrible day. I’ve been really upset nonstop for the past week because I feel like I’m losing you, I see you after school and we go to the office. I felt really good that I was finally alone with you. Then we approach the gate and I see Jazmine waiting for you. The minute I see her I start wondering why she is waiting for you, then I hear you invite her over your house like I’m not even there. At that moment blood starts boiling and I’m immediately pissed. I feel replaced or like a backup so then I tell you I’m not going to come anymore. You ask me why and I say because…. I’m not a douchbag….I’m not going to tell you that the reason why I’m not going is because of Jazmine..that’s rude and even though we don’t like each other I’m still not going to do that. So we get to the back of the school at the fences and I pour my emotions to you..and for what?…just to have you throw them back in my face… you immediately got irritated with me, let go of my hand and walked off..AGAIN! you got so pissed that you started cussing. Fuck, dam, hell, and shit are cuss words…they tell you that in church… You started saying that your tired of me saying that you stick up for Jazmine when that’s obviously how I feel. How the fuck do you think I feel?..To have my girlfriend who I love tell me that she doesn’t believe me, even though before we went out we were at the park and I asked you if you trust me and you know that no matter what we go through that I would never lie to you…your response was yeah I know that. :/ I know she is your best friend, I know that it’s your house and you can bring over anyone you want but you honestly don’t see things how I see it and you don’t know how bad this shit(cuss word) made me feel…After school I was really FUCKING upset…so upset that when I was at your house I went to the bathroom and just did nothing but think….HARD….that’s why I was in there so long…And yeah I know that I don’t see it how you see it but I’m really trying to fucking understand…this is a hard situation cause I want us to have a closer connection and I want to be the man you’ve always wanted. I feel alot of pressure. You said that the reason why you wanted me and Jazmine to talk was so that you could find out whose lieing and whose telling the truth…. really? what was the point of telling me that you trust me and you know I wouldn’t lie to you? I feel lied too. I go to school everyday excited because I can’t wait to see you ha ha!   :) And then I see you and you say hi to me like I’m a stranger, I suddenly feel unimportant….you see Jazmine, and run up to her and give her this incredible hug…that…used to be mine…I shrug it off and wait to spend time with you at break, but there’s one problem….your outside with Jazmine, so I wait for lunch to come around…your with her again, and then after school that happens… I tell the girl that I care deeply about that I love her and she doesn’t even believe me…I understand you don’t feel the same and that’s okay, if I really care about you like I say I do then I won’t push you and I’ll wait…just like I’ve been doing…all this stuff just really makes me feel like nothing…that’s why I THOUGHT I had to stop loving you, even If I didn’t want too. This is our relationship, the only people who are in it is you and me. That’s it. So of course I’m not going to go around and tell people that I love you or tell people about our relationship problem’s even if it’s Jaelen. I don’t give a fuck if people know because it’s our relationship, not they’res. I’m not joking when I say I care about you way more than you realize. I’m your boyfriend. My whole fucking job in this relationship is to make sure your okay and to care about you and to be there for you whenever you may need me. Like…the line in my song that I wrote about you, one of the songs that I wrote about you. I put “were in this together, put the weight on me” I didn’t put that in there just to try an make a Justin Bieber hit, I put that in there because I want you to be able to tell me things like I hoped I could tell you things and honestly I can’t so I’m gonna start keeping my big mouth shut… It’s really difficult to tell you things, I try really hard not to say the wrong thing and upset you but you always put on that I don’t give a fuck attitude and I feel bad and I feel dumb cause you never seem to care. Recently we got in our biggest argument thatwe’ve ever been in…smh…I still remember when you told me that you had a feeling that you were going to change in a bad way and I agreed cause I had the same feeling…I’m scared…I really am because I can see you changing already. We never got in arguments like this, I never felt this unimportant before….this is new to me. I’m sorry for everything that I have done to you, I really feel horrible…It’s hard because no body really knows me, not even you….you will though… :/ But I am here for you and I’m not going to quit. I’m going to continue to be there for you, even if we stop dating, I HOPE THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN THOUGH…..I REALLY HOPE WE DON’T STOP DATING… you already know how I feel about that situation…well….you really don’t but I’m not gonna talk about it now… that’s another story… :/ I love you and I care about you…alot…this post wasn’t me trying to point the finger or get sympathy…it was just my way of venting…..in a positive way…and you were right this does sorta help I guess.  :/ Yesterday you told me that it was the best day ever at lunch because me and Jaelen weren’t there….did you ever stop and think about how that would make me feel?…